Nothing underlines the incompetence of NHS management
quite as devastatingly as their reliance on 'management-speak' to
boost their own egos and engender a feeling of being in control
of an organisation that is clearly in total chaos. Of course, management-speak
is not unique to the NHS, but NHS managers do seem to rely on it
to a rather greater extent than most.
| Address (an
issue) |
Pretend
to look for a solution. |
| Action plan |
Back-covering
exercise, often in the form of a long and deliberately vague
document. |
| Agenda for
Change |
Hugely
expensive exercise to provide complex job descriptions for hundreds
of thousands of NHS staff in order to ensure that senior management
continue to be paid huge salaries for inadequate performance. |
| Annually retentive |
Retaining
staff on a recurring 12-month contract. |
| Aspiration |
Non-deliverable
pledge. |
| Ball-park
figure |
The number of staff watching the European Cup Final in the training
room. |
| Best practice |
Procedure
suggested by an inexperienced committee. |
| Blended solution |
Wonderfully
clever and innovative way of getting something done by applying
the appropriate technique(s). Essentially this is what the rest
of the world calls 'common sense'. |
| Bottom line |
Crease
in seat of a manager's skirt or trousers caused by spending
too long sitting in meetings. |
| Business partner |
Good
example of an oxymoron - NHS Business Partners are not partners,
nor do they work in a business. They are functionaries appointed
to act as a buffer between a manager and their responsibilities.
Dealing with a Business Partner is pointless because they
have no authority, just a remit to keep you at arms-length
from anyone who does. |
| Clinical governance |
I
have yet to meet anyone outside NHS management who can adequately
explain this phrase to a layman. I therefore have no idea what
it means. |
| Closure |
Way
of evading any responsibility by drawing a line under
an issue. |
| Consensus |
Brutally
imposed management line. |
| Core competencies |
Skills
required to perform essential job-related tasks such as opening
a door or switching on a light. A lot of money is spent in the
NHS on ensuring that long-serving and highly qualified staff
such as neurosurgeons, computer-programmers and senior secretaries
are tested and kept up-to-date on such skills. |
| Customer |
A
patient with no choice other than that offered by the NHS. |
| Dialogue |
Mostly
one-way conversation. |
| Due diligence |
Very
little diligence. |
| Empowering |
Tricking
an innocent and hard-working subordinate into taking responsibility
for your mistakes. |
| Engage with |
Pretend
to give a damn. |
| Equality |
Policy
of levelling-down by discouraging excellence. |
| Flagship (whatever) |
Best of a bad bunch of whatevers. |
| Framework |
Largely
incoherent structure. |
| Guidance |
Excessive
management interference. |
| Human
Resources (HR) |
Inhuman
department traditionally staffed by humourless drones, mainly
female, tasked with ensuring that productive staff don't get
to be a threat to incompetent senior management. |
| I hear what
you say |
...but I ain't listening chum. |
| Investing
in people |
The
NHS? Don't make me laugh! The NHS seems to undervalue the experience,
knowledge and skills of its staff almost as it if were a matter
of policy. |
| Issue |
Intractable
problem. |
| Joined-up
thinking |
Intellectual
activity at the level attained by a child that has just learned
to write in cursive script. |
| Key Performance
Indicator |
Arbitrarily
chosen, or deliberately mis-calculated statistic. |
| Let's be absolutely
clear |
I
have absolutely no proof - but don't even think about contradicting
me. |
| Level playing
field |
Environment
discouraging excellence. |
| Little scratch |
Formerly
referred to as 'just a little prick'. The politically correct
brigade's way of ensuring that those administering and receiving
injections have no chance of lightening the proceedings by enjoying
a little light-hearted and well-natured social intercourse.
Bastards. |
Manage expectations
|
In the NHS? Why bother? They already know it won't work. |
| Methodology
(as in 'there is a strict methodology for dealing with this') |
Do
it my way - but don't think I will take the blame if it all
goes tits-up. |
| Mission statement |
Formerly
a laudable and concise one-liner encapsulating an NHS Trust's
goals. eg "We will use the available resources to deliver
healthcare in our area to the best possible standard".
Of course, wasting money can be easily identified as not complying
with such a statement, so now the one-liner has been replaced
by a long document meaning f#ck-all. |
| Moving on |
Hiding, overlooking, ignoring or refusing to accept mistakes. |
| Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss
etc |
Title
also indentifying gender, vital information in an electronic
healthcare record, sometimes omitted when it offends a manager's
pigheaded intention to support sex-equality regardless of the
medical consequences. |
| My door is
always open if you want to talk it over |
F@ck
off - you are of no consequence whatsoever so I will take all
the credit for your good idea. |
| No-blame culture |
Culture
in which no-one is responsible for anything that goes wrong
- main reason why the NHS is in deep doo-doo. |
| Off-message |
Almost
certainly true. |
| Out of the
loop |
Where
proactive staff end up. |
| Partnership |
Relationship
in which management hold all the aces. |
| Proactive |
Describes
a member of staff who puts paper in the photocopier without
being told to. Proactive staff are generally considered to be
a threat to management. |
| Quacktioner |
Unfulfilled
administrator with a non-clinical qualification who would love
to strut around in a bow-tie and a white coat. |
| Stakeholder |
Anyone
with an interest in a public service (excepting those who are
forced to use it). |
| Strategic |
Short-term. |
| Streamlined |
More
inconvenient. |
| Truth |
Something
that can't be disproved. |
| Thinking outside
the box |
Coming up with the sort of innovative idea that must be discouraged
at all costs. |
| Under serious
consideration |
We
are waiting for the furore to die down before we stop pretending
to do something. |
| Unfit for
purpose |
Blame
the previous guy. |
| Vision |
Substitute
for policies. |
| Wide-ranging |
Unfocused. |
